I stayed up until 3 am this morning as I couldn’t sleep between my tears. I’ve never been so hurt before by someone I care for so much. Sometimes, honesty is the best policy, other times, it’s best to just keep quiet. Tonight, I wished I kept quiet. For the past three days, I’ve said some terrible things to him which I’m sorry for. I found out last night, that what I’m feeling is resentment and insecurity. I’m secure with my professional life but my personal life leaves me vulnerable and alone. I know that I must try to be a better person and do good things for other people in order to feel better about myself. But when I do good things for someone, I don’t feel the sense of appreciation. Jealousy becomes me, and does not look good on me. I’m not a bitter person, I am a hurt person. For once in my life I thought I found that one special guy who was different than all the others. Last night, I learned he is not. He’s a good man, a good person and a wonderful human being. I deserve this man, but I know I do not deserve to hurt him. I hurt him by my mistrust and my selfish insecurities. Although he gives me no reason to mistrust him or to feel insecure, my mind tries to convince me otherwise. My heart knows better, but my mind argues and wrestles with emotions. Why must I sabotage every relationship? What is it that is in me to feel so insecure in my personal life? The closer I get to someone the more I do not trust them.
A slue of emotions run through me. Between confusion, despair, happiness, thankfulness and resentment. It’s not easy to understand why I have these feelings although a part of me would like to think it’s because of my current relationship or lack there of one. Last night we talked and I found out a lot about myself. For one, I tend to over react to situations I have no control over. I’m starting to think the reason I get so frustrated and jealous is because it’s a lack of control in my relationship. I understand how he feels when he says he just wants everything light and happy. No drama, no stress. He says he wants what we have to work and I also want that with us. I asked him what “this” was and he said he didn’t know. He said he doesn’t want to be in a heavy committed relationship with anyone. I get that, I understand that; but somehow along the way I failed to believe that. It was in my own mind which I placed a relationship status on us. Although at times in my mind I kind of thought those same words he said, my heart felt differently.
Am I to blame for the way I feel? Am I making it more than it should be? He feels so. He feels I’m blowing things out of proportion and I have nothing to worry about. He told me he has done nothing wrong and has never been with anyone else intimately since we started living together. I believe him. He expects me to be patient and take things light, yet I get so jealous when he’s out with other co-workers having dinner and drinking. I feel left out. Perhaps there is a deeper issue with him that I am not aware of. I only wish he would open up to me and tell me, perhaps this could explain a lot to me and give me some more understanding. I can’t continue to feel this is my fault the way things are going now. Nor will I be to blame. I will however, bide by his wishes to not be a pain in his ass. I realize there are many things I need to work on in this relationship, if it is even a relationship. According to him, it is but not a romantic one. Can I be in a relationship and not be romantically involved? I can if that relationship means only being roommates. The question is, can I be just his roommate or is this When Two’s A Crowd?
Until Next Time,